I had a nightmare last night. After the protected post below, it probably won’t be a surprise to anyone if I say that in my nightmare the princess was being hurt and I couldn’t stop it. (The protected post has to do with a molestation case, but no one in our immediate family is involved in any way.)

It’s been a very grown-up few days, in more ways than the one addressed in the previous post. By Sunday, Chris will be gone for a (work-related) week away and I will be wholly responsible for home, car, drive home from the airport and child, and very much alone here in the wilderness of strangers.

I’m not feeling much like a little girl.

Still, last night Chris walked in the front door, hugged me immediately, kissed me as he and only he has ever done, and asked, “How was your day, little girl?”

It felt … not as bad as it might have, and yet out of sync. I don’t feel like a little girl. I feel grown-up. Female. Sexual. Flirtatious … at least with him. With everyone else, I just feel a bit defensive,  sober and grown-up, and oddly alone.

I think, all in all, that if I am to be in a wilderness of strangers*, that I’d much rather be the little girl holding Daddy’s hand to keep me safe, as opposed to a grown-up woman fully capable of handling herself and a child and any crises that arise. And yet I am both, at times.

Still, I asked him late last night not to call me a little girl for awhile. Girl should be all right, I think. Bad Girl and Naughty Girl ought to work. Just leave out the little, I asked.

That’s your choice, he returned, holding me close. And yet I knew in my heart that it disappointed him, and my heart ached again in a different grown-up way I do not like at all.

——

* By strangers, I mean we have no close friends nearby and no family. We have acquaintances, a few people who could be friends if we tried, colleagues… but few people I would open myself to.

3 Responses to “Wilderness”

1. Impish1 says:

   July 23, 2010 at 3:13 pm

   I’m sorry. You were already hurting, and that hurt a little more. You know he’ll get it because it gets you, but sometimes life just makes things a little harder.

   Reply
2. Fireman Chris says:

   July 23, 2010 at 11:31 pm

   For what it’s worth, I wasn’t disappointed, or at least not in the way you may have thought. As you know, the situation with our friends has hurt me too in many ways. My reaction was probably more from seeing one more reminder of that hurt in both of us. But I totally understand your reaction and I don’t blame you in any way for it. Love you always.

   Reply
3. Indy says:

   July 28, 2010 at 7:02 pm

   You and Chris are both in my thoughts. I hope your dog is being particularly sweet while Chris is gone.

   BIg Hugs!
   Indy

   Reply