Fail
Come now. I know this is ranting. Tempermental, self-indulgent, thoroughly self-pitying ranting. I know this. My life is full to the brim of wonderful things – Chris, the princess, employment, a mostly healthy life. I should not be complaining when others have such struggles.
Still.
I am not still. Not outside – today – and certainly not inside.
I am angry, mostly. Angry for something that happened in June and continues to disrupt my present and our future. I can identify the day that The Rash started as the day Chris turned 34. By the day I turned 34, I thought it was over. But it’s not.
There are scars that make me want to cry when I put on a skirt without hose. And how un-sexy are pantyhose? Very unsexy. And have I had the time or privacy or knowledge of where to shop for garters and stockings? No. I have no idea, and I hear they are uncomfortable anyway.
There is a hospital bill which – literally, thank the Lord – our insurance has mostly paid. But in my fuzzy haze, I apparently gave the hospital an incorrect address. And they gave an incorrect address to all of the doctors and labs and whatnot that thereafter treated me. So three months later, they finally worked out where I lived. And then the bills starting coming. Even 10% of the total cost is bloody frightening. Happy Anniversary, Chris.
[for the faint of heart and stomach, you can skip this next paragraph.]
More than five months later and the effects of the intravenous and oral prednisone in July continue to disrupt my reproductive organs and hormones. I bleed without predictability, then don’t bleed for uncounted time. I spot at random intervals for days on end, and the 1/2 cup menstrual cycle is about as far from reality as a quart of milk. My body is producing too much blood and ovulating regularly, but then forgets to change the hormone balance. The incorrect progesterone level at the beginning of the luteal phase might as well be described as drip-drip-drip for days, until my uterus is literally stretched and swollen and that blood almost literally overwhelms the cervix and comes flooding out in a tidal wave of clotted, smelly, red and brown grossness.
The wait-it-out option (one of 3 options provided by my gynecologist) is not really feasible anymore. For myself, I miss sex and spanking and a naked bottom and almost weep when I get into bed with panties and a pantyliner – and Chris touches my hip and then rolls over instead of fondling me and warming his fingers between my thighs and labia. There have been nights lately where I’ve stayed up late simply because I am angry that I can’t be intimate with Chris in the way *I* want to be. I know, in more rational moments, that it is not my decision or my fault or whatever other comforting non-blaming reasons can be constructed. However, Chris is a wonderful man and it is a fairly simple wish and preference that he have a naked female in his bed at night – and shouldn’t be too much of an obligation for me to provide him with that body. It’s unfair to both of us to be in this constant state of flux – to spend a day flirting and planning and to find me upset and changing my panties during dinner. (He’s not said this but I think it’s unfair.) And, damn it, nudity isn’t something that anyone ought to have to long for and fantasize about. Neither of us should have to worry about whether standing in the corner will require cleaning up the carpet, or to wonder if we’ll be able to have intercourse even once this week without a bloody mess on the blanket. And (I repeat) although Chris has not and would not complain, I feel like a complete failure as a wife.
(Although, I will say, he’s certainly enjoyed more than his usual portion of oral sex this year.)
So why have we been waiting it out?
Because options # 2 and # 3 require prescription drugs, and these plus more the more permanent options prevent pregnancy. It must be obvious by now to regular readers that the princess does not have siblings. This only-child household was not by design, but rather a product of circumstance. I have been very inwardly conscious my inability to conceive for at least a couple of years now, and yet overt stress and angst about the subject harms rather than helps. The last six months or so have been especially difficult, however, because many of the world’s women with whom I am closest have been pregnant this fall – indeed, I’ve never known so many people to have babies all at the same time. I feel horribly guilty about saying that, because I would never deny them the joy or want to take away from their happiness. And I love these little ones already with all my heart. Both of us had planned on another baby, and yet again … I have failed as a wife.
[Chris, one time on Thursday I went into the bathroom upstairs and bawled. And when we were texting while I was at the park with the princess on Wednesday? It was all I could do not to stand in the middle of the park and cry.]
So this morning, after a tough drive home yesterday from my in-laws, I went to the pharmacy and filled a prescription for birth control pills. They’re to attempt to regulate my hormone production and reduce my blood production. This is option # 2.
Oh, and I am not going to win at NaNoWriMo either. I’m 10,000 words short and I’m not going to cheat and write “fail” 10,000 times to trick the automated software into a win. November was a terrible month to even try and do it; September or October would have been much easier. I will, however, finish the story. I like the story. But I’ve neglected a number of wonderful online venues this last month, and the friends that write / run them, in order to try and pursue my own writing, and I didn’t even succeed at that. For this, I apologize wholeheartedly to those of you who I’ve unjustifiably neglected.
I’ve been crying ever since I got home and I can’t take the first pill until Sunday, and I have to take it at least 3 months. Possibly longer.
But, all in all, I’m going to have to pull myself together, go get a week’s worth of mail from the post office, call my mom, remember the world is a happy place, pick up the princess, a birthday cake, order a birthday cake, cook dinner, help with homework and write Christmas cards.
And listen to the princess innocently wish out loud that she could have a little baby in the house like her cousins.
Themocracy
Oh Serenity. I’m sending you hugs from here. I am so sorry.
You are not alone. I have not posted about it myself because I have not had the heart to do so, but Red and I have been trying for quite some time with no success. We go in to begin fertility testing in early December.
Best wishes to you, Chris, and the Princess. You deserve a much greater share of happiness than you’ve been dealt lately.
Ah, Rosie. *hugs*
I have loads of blessings in the Princess. I couldn’t have asked for a more wonderful daughter. A second one is pure selfishness, hm?
Oh. Ranting sounds like a lovely thing to do. Truly, though, it’s healthy. It’s more than okay to let it out, to share, to seek comfort. And, allowing yourself the time and space to be angry, to angst, to be fearful, is healthy, too. Much, much better than bottling it up.
It’s not a failure. And you are not a failure. Life is rarely what we plan it to be, hope it to be, expect it to be. And sometimes we wander into a season we never could have imagined existed.
Three months. The time will pass, regardless. How do you want to spend it?
I want to pray.
For serenity, even.
The thing is, I haven’t been able to settle my mind enough to listen for the answers that I know He will provide. Or maybe I don’t like the answer that I think He might provide.
So maybe I’m a bit angry at Him. Which is silly, because I haven’t settled enough to actually listen to what He’s actually saying.
You know?
s
This was the point where I started crying:
“The last six months or so have been especially difficult, however, because many of the world’s women with whom I am closest have been pregnant this fall – indeed, I’ve never known so many people to have babies all at the same time.”
I feel ya, honey. It’s like Babypalooza out there and my cycle gets shorter with each passing month (but, somehow, more painful — which just ROCKS, let me tell ya)! I wish I could offer more than a cyber-hug.
That and – I have a hard time getting quiet enough to listen, too. When I do lie there and try I will just say to myself “Be still and know that I am God.” I time it with my breathing. Sometimes I just end up falling asleep – but it seems like that’s when my dreams are richest. Sometimes I just feel more peaceful … Sometimes it just reminds me that *I’M NOT,* ya know?
A few hours after I published this, I talked to my mom on the phone. She had news…
My best friend in high school – who swore he would never have children of his own – is expecting his second child. He called his mom as soon as he & his wife left the obgyn. She called my mom, because they are great friends. And my mom called me, less than an hour later.
I said, “That’s great!” And meant it. But later Mom asked me if I was upset about something and I lied and said No.
That rash and the aftermath sound just awful, Serenity. It’s not at all a failure to be so tired of the whole thing you can’t hardly see straight, as they say where I come from. You’ll feel better emotionally when you feel better physically. Until then, big hugs!
Well, I’ve never been able to see straight, and I do know the expression.
And I do hope so. People say it, I hope it is true
s
I’ve your reading your blog for a while, and while I haven’t experienced the joys *sarcasm* of attempted reproduction- I do know what the feeling of turning to birth control in order to stop other symptoms from arising. I, too, feel that failure seems to be the option that I have to accept. I don’t want to bleed continuously, so I take the pill. But as long as I take it, there is no hope, but for me, there’s probably no hope without it.
My partner, Michael, is young and hopeful of the future, whereas I cannot provide children to continue his family name. He is forgiving, kind, sweet, loving- everything I need in this life. (His family on the other hand…) But I digress. He loves me, for all of myself, including what I considered this betrayal of everything female in my body. I struggle with the acceptance of his love.
Chris loves you- and the princess loves you. And as much as Chris would like to be a father again, and the princess would love another sibling, and you would love another child- sometimes, God has these other plans for us.
I just wish I could figure out his plans for me. As I know you wish you had all the answers too.
Stay strong. Take the medicine. Dole out your three months worth. Reevaluate. And most importantly, love yourself, even if you feel like failure. Because you most certainly are not.
Thanks Melissa. They do love me, and Chris was very sweet and overly cautious of me. But he did tell me I wasn’t allowed to run away. He meant physically, but I sort of imagined he meant emotionally and mentally because I’m frequently guilty of that sort of escapism.
Also, because then he would have reason to spank me hard, one way or another.
Hope to see you again here soon!
s
And by the way … garters are quite nice, actually. There are plenty of on-line resources; there are various styles …. they do require a knack if you’ve never worn them, but *shrug* one person’s uncomfortable is another person’s comfortable, you know? But I’m used to wearing all manner of tights and stockings and pantyhose because it’s so cold here, and I only wear skirts. Believe me: they are all sexy, under the right circumstances, with the right attitude, with the right person …
The scars will fade. Obviously, I don’t know what they look like, and again, what is troubling to one person, may not be so very to another … One thing for certain, if you are determined to feel unattractive or unsexy because of your legs, then I can promise you this: you will be.
Why are you so smart and sensible? I know what you say is true…
s
Stockings and suspenders are very sexy….hold ups are ok so long as they do just that, and don’t descend at the wrong time, wrong place (the supermarket shop is very difficult when trying to hold up a hold up…)
By taking the pill you are taking the first step to regulating everything, so that conceiving will become a more likely outcome- and if it stops the misery of those periods, it must be the right thing for now…
As for the writing- there will lots of wonderful material there- and you can use it sometime. I have spent a year writing a children’s book in my ’spare’ time (50 thousand words): it could take several years now to find a publisher- but I have written it, which feels good. And you, too, have written a book! (40 000 words in a month is AMAZING!)Very, very well done you!
And yes, it is good to rant and let it all out!
Lots of love and hugs to you and yours.
I’ve tried thigh-highs before. Even with the tape they do not stay up. And you’re right, it CAN be comical.
And thanks – I have this list of things I have neglected and want to amark off the to-do list before I go back to it, but I will. And soon.
s
Sparkle, I am so sorry for all of your trials. There isn’t much to say except that it really just sucks. I haven’t experienced the reproductive misery you speak of, but there was an extended period of hidden longings before my husband was ready. I have two older children from a previous marriage, but I didn’t even admit to myself how much I wanted one with my forever husband. We have a three year old now. The Lord has a plan for us, even when we can’t see it.
As for the unpredictable and excessive bleeding, yeah, I understand that misery all too well. I switched pills a few months ago and it’s gotten much better. Unfortunately, by the time I had that option, I had become anemic and depressed and completely exhausted. Ugh. The best thing to do is find the light at the end of the tunnel and just keep heading in that direction. It gets better.
While 10,000 words short seems like failure, Wow! Congrats on the 40,000+ that you wrote. That’s quite an accomplishment. I can’t wait to read it.
Thanks K. Anemia was beginning to be a concern, although I’m not. But the heavier the bleeding, the more risk for it, as you know. *sigh*
Been there done that, cried, denied, infertility, bleeding beyond all reason with little options available, no words written to NaNo… my heart felt sorry for everything you are going through. The only tiny bit of advice I can say with certainty is that it is important to believe the classic “this too shall pass.” It sucks – and you need to be honest with everyone about your feelings – you would want them to be if it were reversed – no one should be spared for their sakes – you should not deny yourself – it will only serve to complicate an already horrible time in your life. Also know that you need to hold loosely onto expectations/desires. It was only after I gave up that I got pregnant – same with my sister (endometriosis). Obviously it’s not to happen in every case – but as we let go, we can shift our drained hearts to recharge. And we somehow find the strength to mentally and physically stay right where we are and find peace of mind – not always happiness (infertility does not make happiness!) but peace of mind to accept where you are. And you would be shocked to realize how many people watch you as you go thru these times (pressure… pressure) later when Princess is older, you can explain how you got through your tough times – sometimes in the midst of my life sucking so badly – it was what I clung to (beside my spirituality of course). Take good care of yourself – You deserve it! KayLynn
Yes, no doubt I will get pregnant when we sell the baby furniture (crib, etc) in the garage!
s
oh honey, I’m so sorry, sorry sorry sorry ((HUGS))
and rant away – better out than in.
lots of thoughts and prayers winging your way xx
Thanks mamacrow. It was a rough day, but the list of things to get through this week grows ever longer so I must stop feeling sorry for myself and enjoy all that I do have to love and live with.
s
I just happened across your blog and I could understand your rant. You’re dealing with a lot of issues and ranting about them probably helps you.
My only suggestion is that if it doesn’t frustrate you even more, you and your hubby should do a lot of foreplay. You can still enjoy each other. Good luck and hope there will eventually be some light at the end of the tunnel.
FD
Ah, Florida Dom, I sincerely apologize if that was your first experience of me! Really, I am one of the least dramatic people I know, and being down happens once in a blue moon.
Hm. Maybe I should blame it on the full moon and be done with it.
Please come back and read now that I’m done writing rants about it!
s
I discovered your blog today and really like your raw honesty. Mine tends to be like that, too. It’s life, after all..and life is rarely “tidy”. From Lisa.. aka ‘Dayzee’ and also the subbie, spanked wife of a Toppy firefighter…..
my BEST to you! ~Lisa
Hi Dayzee – welcome to my house.
I like tidy, truthfully, but you’re right … life is rarely that. Still, I tend to box up the untidy parts and stick them in a closet out of sight until the closet is so full that it explodes when I open it.
This closet explosion has been building for awhile!
s
I can totally relate to the bleeding and spotting. I’ve been going through this stuff for years. There are about 2 weeks or more where I cannot go to bed without panties. Most of the time, sex ends with a mess on the bed. I HATE it! Since I’m very regular and I don’t have heavy bleeding, there is nothing to be done unless I have surgery. Although it’s a big nuisance, surgery doesn’t seem like a good option…yet.
But, it’s unbelievable how guilty and horrible I feel that about half of the month is marred with grossness. Although it’s not me fault….it’s my body….so it must be my fault, right? My husband is extremely supportive…as yours is…but we can’t help feeling like a failure. I believe it’s our nature to feel like we are letting the ones we love down.
I’m sorry you have to go through this. I’m sorry you having such a hard time. I’m sure things will get better. Sometimes it’s hard to remember that.
Take care of yourself and try not to be so hard on yourself. (I know, easier said than done)
HUGS!
grace
I love that the doctor advised the birth control pills to reduce the blood flow and get me regular. BUT upon reading the disclaimers, it will not prevent me from mid-cycle spotting.
Feck and all that.
And thanks
s
[...] had just come out of the bathroom after swallowing my vitamin and the first dose of that dreaded medicine. In a vain attempt to ignore the emotional effect of it, I wandered into Chris’s study, where [...]
Serenity. sigh. What can I say that’s not been said above. I can be mean to you and say…’suck it up, girlfriend’ but that won’t change anything, except to piss you off (which isn’t always a bad motivator, btw.) Where to go from here. I could never have bio kids. I’m in a lesbian relationship (long) and she did not want bio kids (medical issues)…so we adopted. Once, he’s now 24. Then again. he’s now 13. Then again, our first baby, at age 44. born preemie, he was 4 pounds at 3 days old when i held him for the first time in the niccu in chicago (we live near Boston). he’s now nearly 6. and then, yes, again. Our only girl, who will be 3 next week. Did i cry when i had the hysterectomy at 33. you betcha. but it was also a relief. i had a horrible time with my female parts. Hot flashes aside, i’m so much happier w/o my girl bits. It’s been 17 years since then, and i still have no regrets.
so, i’ll not tell you to suck it up…because i don’t want to hurt you. because, despite feeling like you’re not, you are (sucking it up, i mean)…..you’re still working through the issue, day by day. You are grieving, and that takes time. Don’t rush through it…each part has a purpose in ultimately healing you.
hard hug,
nilla
Ah, nilla. I’m not going to be mad, and I *have* to suck it up most of the time or walk around whiny and unhappy for months on end. I used to be that way, and I’ve found it is not very satisfying and provides no contentment in the dark night. So I gave it up and am usually happy and grateful for the wonderful home, husband and daughter I have.
It’s just that, once in awhile, I need to have a tantrum. And in Chris’s absence because he was at work, it fell to the blogging world to hear my roar of frustration.
The Rant’s done now, though. It’s next regularly scheduled appearance will be if we can’t think of a semi-decent Christmas present for my father-in-law.
s
[...] been bleeding now for 14 days* and am reminded of it on an almost minute-by-minute basis, plus all that it implies for my reproductive future and my sense of failure. But to add to that sore spot in my heart the loss of intimacy and sexual contact with a constant [...]
Holding you in prayer and in love, my friend.
The same to you, ravengirrl…
Hugs,
s