This one is all about me. Just me.
I’m waiting for the princess to fall asleep. She doesn’t do it well alone and her tired little face of sadness breaks my heart every time.
I could be catching up on the twitter timeline, enjoying myself but instead I am sitting here contemplating.
Life, maybe, or at least my place in the world.
I walked away from a world a few hours ago that I really need and derive soul from being in – that is a community of like minds, friends and acquaintances and some others I stare at with slack-jawed awe. I walked away because I have another world that needs and supports me and it is becoming increasingly clear that they need me (or someone like me) on a more focused track. Spring is always my busy time of year and summer a close second… Yes, those who follow me regularly know I disappear in May and June.
And I resent it, which is why I’m using these precious few minutes to ponder my psyche instead of throwing myself into the deep glory of giggling girlhood. I resent that I’m the one who is expected to pick up the ball and carry it further than last year or the year before that, with no more support than a hearty “Good job!” and less of a budget. But more significantly I resent it because of the personal price. I walk away from relationship, from friends, from physical intimacy, from active mothering, from the stability of my marriage and I abandon responsibility in favor of doing something that doesn’t benefit the people I love except through a paycheck that’s not really large enough to qualify as my share of supporting our family. It definitely benefits my employer, their public persona, even the world in a larger sense… But none of those people are really invested in me or honestly concerned about the impact their expectations have on me or my health or my state of mind.
I do a job that needs done in a time critical fashion and if I do it well, the only people who really know how difficult it is are the colleagues I’ve pushed aside or in front of me to make my work possible. If I fail, it will be spectacular and I won’t be doing it again. Failure, as a wise Texan or Ron Howard once said, is not an option, either personally or professionally.
So here I am, pushing publish at 9:40 pm and going back to my office. I’m looking forward to a hug from Chris and a pat in he bottom and a bit of time tomorrow doing errands, though my head will hurt with the list of things I’m not doing by the time I get back to my desk.
I have work to do.